Class Takeaway 14

So yesterday's class was a continuation of the last class. It was amazing to see the differences in fears of this class. Unlike the last class, this class had more "unique" fears which people shared. It helped me to realize other "fears" that I had which sometimes creates "immovable blocks" in my creativity. And, various creative creations were displayed that helped me to realize other avenues to try when I'm in a creative funk. I usually stick to music or computer graphics, but this class helped relieve my tunnel vision.

Class takeaway 13

Yesterday's class was interesting. It seemed that many of us shared similar fears. I think it was kind of therapeutic for several of us - including myself - to know we weren't alone in our fears. Sometimes our fears can be so overwhelming especially if you think you are "alone", but hearing others with similar fears seemed to help me put my own fear in perspective. 

I also shared with another student who was currently experiencing something I had once experienced. While I couldn't offer an immediate solution I was able to provide hope that her situation would get better in the future.

Yesterday's experience I think was a good experience for everyone who participated.

Fear

1.     Fear - of failure

2.     I notice fear when I have worked hard to achieve something or push for a specific result and it doesn’t seem to be going the way I planned.

3.     I’m not sure what fear keeps me from experiencing. I have a fear of failure, but I have failed many times in life. I just don’t like the way it feels, so I try my best to ensure success in every aspect of my life.

4.     I guess fear is a motivator for me. It makes me push hard to be the best I can be.

5.     Fear affects me both positively and negatively when it comes to creativity. Because my fear of failure crosses into every aspect of my life, when it comes to creativity, I am motivated to put my best foot forward out of fear that I will create “crap”. But on the other hand,  I have a fear of getting so lost in the moment, that I lose all track of time and it throws off my schedule for everything else I have going on.

6.     ???

7.     Well, I think it helps to put it in perspective for me. It allowed me to “see” it as a tangible object as opposed to “feeling” it.

For my tangible object I taped two styrofoam cups together with masking tape. I stared at it for a long time not really knowing what to do with it, or how it represented my "fear". The longer I stared at it, the more I realized I had just failed to create something that I was proud of - it was something that represented not only the failure of creativity, but failure itself. It made me chuckle because it really seemed like an epic fail. Empty on the inside, empty on the outside. Not what I would consider to be "creative" at all. But then I think again and realize, it truly represents how I see failure. While it may seem as though I made no effort in this creation, I really did. I thought and thought about how I could turn this into something great, and I just could not come up with something. The more I hold it in my hands, the more comfortable I become with it. I don't like "failing", but I think this helps me better cope with the concept of it.  I actually am starting to like my "cups".

Bliss process

Exploring "bliss" was very nice. I knew exactly what it was that would create that wonderful feeling of bliss inside me. But, I had to let go of all he anxieties I had attached to my blissful experience. 

Since I knew that normally I would be in class during this time, I was able to allow myself to somewhat let go of the fear of "losing track of time" in order to completely enjoy the experience. But because I know how good it feels and that I get caught up in it so easily, the responsible side of me set alarms so that I would not exceed the allowed class time for this exercise. 

So I enjoyed myself, fully. I allowed myself to endulge in the moment. It made me feel alive again. I totally forgotten how good it was to do something I really enjoy.

Afterwords my thoughts turn to what if I was able to do this freely all the time? What if there was a way I could make a living doing this? What if I didn't have any responsibilities, such as kids or bills, would I really enjoy doing this all the time?

I don't get to enjoy things like this because of all the responsibilities I have. The creative process is blurred for me because I cannot freely create. What keeps me from being free to create is the fact that I will lose track of time, I will begin to disconnect from my children because of how much time I would spend doing it, and because I am the primary caregiver and supporter of my kids I can actually imagine their quality of life declining because I would be so focused on myself. That is not something I can allow to occur.

Class takeaway 4/6/15

Yesterday's class made me realize what passion was. I saw my instructor "attempt" to turn the class over to the soon to be instructor. I say attempt because her passion for the class kept her interjecting her thoughts and ideas on the topics we discussed. I could see the struggle she had with really passing the torch. 

It became clear to me that she was realizing the chapter that she began with her vision and passion was coming to a close for her. The passion that she has for the class she created was so prevalent yesterday. I just observed. 

I realized I am still searching for that one creative "thing" that draws my innate passion out of me. I want to create something that is such a deeply rooted part of me, that instinctively it would be difficult for me to let go. That is passion.